February 8, 2022
My life continues with bumps and hiccups but mostly interest, curiosity, ah-hah moments of joy, dark periods of irritability and shameful interactions, deep sadness etc. In other words, I'm alive and well though aging has put a damper on my outlook and stamina. Two cardiac events with bypass surgery age 55 and recent stents. Now diagnosed with atrial fibrillation on blood thinners. I have a brace for hiking since I tore my Achille's tendon. I have peripheral neuropathy so balance can be a problem so at times I use a cane when out and about and walking sticks when hiking. My vision is failing more (had two retinal detachments and macular hole treatment) and my visit last week with my retinologist shows some more macular damage so now when I sit at the piano to play sheet music I'm straining more to understand the notes. All these disabilities are wearing on me and contribute to my mood issues. Rebecca is on the mend after suffering a traumatic fall this December through the ceiling fracturing her sacral vertebra and T-11(four days of hospitalization and steady improvement from a halker to now walking on the beach). I'm pretty sure I'm like most others of our species living with many thoughts, emotions, memories, and convictions that reflect my biology, past experiences of living, health status, and present inventory of stressors and obligations. I want to think that I can control my emotions and how I interact with others but this myth can only be partially supported. I find myself at times behaving badly with irritation and short tempered communications that shock me and terrify me. So far I've been lucky in having the recipients of these communications forgiving and comforting while I struggle past irritation and bad temper and discover what seems to me to be underneath my distemper to be profound sadness.
As a therapist I have sat and attempted to empathize and understand these emotional complexes in others and then offer some way out to my fellow sufferer. My file cabinets have been full of my notes and information concerning this work but I have put that behind me as a retired person. Rebecca recently read to me a short story by Larry Levin M.D. which captures some of the events in the life of a caregiver witnessing the death of his patient through the eyes of her surviving partner. Yes I'm sad that Ann, my first partner died from pancreatic cancer. A person close to me has had her losses also and is now very disabled living in isolation due to the COVID virus restrictions in the assisted living facility she resides in. Lately she has become more depressed and very irritated at me so I miss talking with her making me sad. Joy, smiling with another, joking around, sharing interests and thoughts, conversation we've had with others, observations about our stressful conflicts in the world, watching a beautiful sunset, seeing that rainbow against the mountains, all with Rebecca and friends on hikes and other activities makes a difference so sadness does not envelope me and I can experience happiness.
So last posting I discussed games and game playing. Today I'll segway over to acting, role playing, the theatre, art and our ability to enter into the role playing so completely that the acting becomes our reality. I'm sure that my readers can relate to circumstances when someone was completely involved in the drama and righteousness of their support for some actor that is convinced of their righteous causes and just fight against the opposition. For example, Putin with his authority masses over 100,000 troops with sophisticated equipment to threaten and possibly invade Ukraine. He is accused of attempting to manufacture through manipulated video and local actors on the ground evidence that the Ukraine government and people are the evil actors and he has the right to threaten and invade since N.A.T.O is also threatening his sphere of influence. He's has the carrot of gas for European countries and the power and influence to frighten various population groups in Europe to stay out of his desires to rule in his sphere of influence. This is improv theatre in a way but the stakes are deadly while in the theater we can go home afterwards after our evening snack.
Speech: “All the world’s a stage”
And all the men and women merely players;
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts,
His acts being seven ages. At first the infant,
Mewling and puking in the nurse’s arms;
And then the whining school-boy, with his satchel
And shining morning face, creeping like snail
Unwillingly to school. And then the lover,
Sighing like furnace, with a woeful ballad
Made to his mistress’ eyebrow. Then a soldier,
Full of strange oaths, and bearded like the pard,
Jealous in honour, sudden and quick in quarrel,
Seeking the bubble reputation
Even in the cannon’s mouth. And then the justice,
In fair round belly with good capon lin’d,
With eyes severe and beard of formal cut,
Full of wise saws and modern instances;
And so he plays his part. The sixth age shifts
Into the lean and slipper’d pantaloon,
With spectacles on nose and pouch on side;
His youthful hose, well sav’d, a world too wide
For his shrunk shank; and his big manly voice,
Turning again toward childish treble, pipes
And whistles in his sound. Last scene of all,
That ends this strange eventful history,
Is second childishness and mere oblivion;
Sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans everything.
In a little while I need to drive from Kailua to Kaneohe to pick up my wife
who is having a cavity taken care of. Though I'm emotional sometimes unstable, and irritable when that is gone I discover I'm sad and have identified some of the links to this feeling. My drama and acting has consequences so I'm attempting to direct this play to a happier resolution. Just to reassure
other readers I'm coping and happy (not depressed).
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