November 26, 2021

Love is blind! The Iliad describes how Paris son of King Priam of Troy fell in love with Helen the most beautiful woman married to Menelaus King of Sparta. He abducted her to Troy. Achilles fell in love with Briseus after she was awarded to him by Argamemnon king of Sparta after he killed her husband and children. Argamemnon then took her back but then Archilles refused to fight at the battle of Troy to get Helen back until Briseus was returned by Argamemnon. In the Iliad there are more plots and complications concerning betrayals and love including homoerotic love but the tale describes how love is blind. 

On Thanksgiving Day our repairman came to fix our dryer. He told us that the reason we had such a hard time in contacting him was related to his divorce and move back to his mother's home. He had married a woman who managed to take all of his money to herself and her family so he was greatly in debt. Now divorced he's happier and has money in his wallet. Though we were with him a short time Rebeca and I were impressed with his openness and generosity. He told us that his competitor makes similar calls to home charging from $250 to $500 so in two visits there finished for the day. He told us that he usually charges $60 but to us $40 (we gave him  $50).  I've been reminded in his tale of escape from a nightmarish marriage of other marriages in which to outsiders clearly one of the spouses was very disloyal, in one marriage violent, and manipulative while the spouse whose love was blind suffered but remained loyal for some time. 

The psychological literature has described how love for another leads to positive illusions and denial of defects and character flaws of the object of love. The complications and problems are more related to extremes so that the reality of the negative attributes of the loved one are ignored and the negative attributes of the lover are overly enhanced in their mind. Falling in love has been described as a pathology of perception and evaluation in which reality is ignored but instead illusions of esteem and delight are mixed with the endorphins and oxytocin. Smell may be skewed. Behaviors change so one's sense of risk and adventure changes. Of course, the loved object is defended and venerated. 

Throughout history people have been exhorted to venerate and obey the authority figures in their life. To love them is seen as a positive experience to be emulated by others. The adoration of the leader is well documented in our human history. The atavistic underpinning of ritual and adorational practices is seen in all cultures. Some take the blood of christ into themselves through drinking wine during their ritual. Others chant while reading the old testament concerning the blood sacrifices at the temple mount in Jerusalem carried out by the priest class in the holy of holies making this chanting come to life as an actual event since sacrifice of animals only can be carried out at the temple mount in the holy of holies but the temple no longer exists so now we have the bible's description which substitutes for the act of devotion through chanting the passages from the bible. The Mayan and Aztec rituals involving human sacrifice is similar in contemporary events with suicide bombers, cult suicide and murders, and genocide atrocities. I think that these acts of violence and adoration of authority are related to this subject that love is blind. 

The literature on child rearing, bonding, and sharing of responsibilities towards the helpless infant give me some examples of the need for love to be blind. Non mammals such as birds and fish come to mind. Birds cooperate as a pair sometimes bonding for life. The male bower bird may gather leaves and other objects in a bower of intersecting design to attract the female but after mating the female builds the nest and cares for the young chicks. Our Laysan albatross cooperate more in the building of the nest and then sitting on the egg. Bird couple then forage and gather food for their young and assist them in learning to fly and hunt. Some of the fish eggs and very young are guarded by an adult yet most of these species must fend for themselves as they mature. Homo Sapiens has a very long time of infancy in which they are nutured, taught, and guarded by unrelated others, relatives, and parents in a cooperating group. In non hominid mammals such as apes and chimpanzees the mother is the primary protector and attachment object while in our species we have significant others to rely on and help us develop. The attachment bond involves behaviors and interactions that involves a very helpless infant and cognitively intact thinking caretakers who must be somewhat blind in their passion to help in the development of the infant. Oxytocin and Prolactin are neurohormone that is involved in this process necessary for the production of breast milk but also these attachment behaviors to flourish. The British school under John Bowlby M.D. researched how infant child and adult interactions lead to healthy adolescent and adult learning and functioning but lack of these interactions leads to severe pathology in later years. His attachment theory of maternal bonding and caring for the infant describes how bonding and caring and sacrifice of the caregivers needs are necessary for development of the infant. Bowlby's theory has been modified showing that attachment to more than mother but to others is beneficial and if the infant is deprived of these interactions mental pathology is a result. Studies of infants raised in cribs in institutions lacking holding, cuddling, and healthy play causes all sorts of problems. The infants interactions with the more adult leading to attachment is necessary. In our species dopamine,  epinephrine, and oxytocin are sometimes at very high levels when we become blindly in love. We're giddy, energetic, and euphoric.  

In my experience, I was smitten and within less than five years married to Ann. Nevertheless, our early years with my unusual training as a doctor after medical school hardly seeing each other during internship we became somewhat disconnected but then reconnected with family life raising children, pursuing study and careers, and learning about our complex underworld of fantasies and hidden guilts, shames, and urges that our rational minds gradually found. Then our love was truly blind. We just grew closer, found ourselves thinking like the other, and just enjoying our lives together. What a gift that only ended due to pancreatic cancer and death. Then I met Rebecca. I just felt better when I was with her usually in our hiking together and my enticing her to spend time with me by my espresso coffee making. Love was again blind since we did not know each other well and she more than I was cautious but curious. an interesting though somewhat painful side of falling again in love is that some old friends decided not to continue their relationship with me (yes maybe because they valued Ann more and thought me disloyal to her memory) yet I found a whole new group of friends to share with Rebecca. My children, spouses, grandchildren, and relatives have just been wonderful in their love and acceptance.

O.K there is sex! We are animals and are attracted to others through our vision, smells, and multitude of reasons and influences related to our past, upbringing, traumatic experiences, anxieties, and inherent dispositions to be influenced by others. This sentence hold a lot of meaning which disserves at least another blog someday. Some of us are prone to wander, explore, succumb, and cheat due to our sexual urges. This is not love but biology and human nature within us. I and my partners in life are no angels. I never expected that since I know how flawed I can be. But I have been fortunate through my life to have two partners who have been loyal and honest. For many years I have been able see beauty in others and their attractiveness to my sexual side without pursuing any fantasies and urges within me.   

 A close friends years ago then over a number of intervening years was having an affair feeling guilty and concerned that a divorce would cause more guilt and deprive him of half of his net worth. He shared with me his seeming dilemma which to me was a no brainer. I found out that during his adolescence he had a girlfriend who loved him and he greatly desired but evaluated her as not very bright and only interested in marriage and having babies. So he decided that his future wife was more of the stuff a good wife would make being educated, smart, and of a higher class. He never had sexual excitement, desire, and great intimacy as he did with his former girlfriend. So he married and when he was talking with me many years ago  he acknowledged many affairs and brief flings but no sex for many years with his wife. Of course, I strongly told him that if I was he I'd get a divorce and split the money. Finally, his former wife had enough and divorced with the money split and she happy without him. He's still with the woman he had the affair and in my mind very lucky that she has continued to live with him. I guess for her love is blind also. 

The U.S.A. Republican Party responses to the election, insurrection, gun usage, women's right to their own health care decision making, access to election rights, minority rights, immigration, and attendant gerrymandering, use of the filibuster, and media distortion of factual information does cause me some grief at times. How can so many people hold such atavistic and undemocratic beliefs and practices? Love is blind? Think about it!

My sister just called from California asking me about my Jewish name Yahuda. I went to Jewish Hebrew School learning to read from the bible but not understanding what I was reading. My sister was not included in this training since girls then were excluded from bar Mitzvah in pour orthodox synagogue. Ritual can be comforting to some but some ritual require updating so the conservative and reform wings of the Jewish religion correct the gender bias. Our different ethnicities can be a treasure of rich folklore and wisdom and art for us all. However, the dark side to ethnic identity is hatred and disgust towards others who are different. If you love your ethnic heritage and treat your ethnic and religious beliefs as your love, then those others are less than and maybe a threat to you. Love is blind!

On Thanksgiving we had a small group and enjoyed a mellow evening with good food, company, and sharing. We were delighted with facetime conversations with extended family in California. Smiles, love, and just peace and goodwill. Today I walked with an old friend in Hoomaluhia State Park just schmoozing and walking. I came home with my friend to give him some espresso latte from my freshly roasted coffee beans and share apple pie that Rebecca made. She joined us and we were all smiles and continued loving and good will. 

Happy Thanksgiving to you all.

Leonard

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