March 13, 2021
This a follow up to my post March 12. I had written an email which I never sent so here is a draft written September 2020. The conversation with my friend before I wrote that post was very troubling to me so I wrote about our history together and my frustrations in our conversations up to then. I decided to include my draft email since it describes part of the puzzle of our failed interactions of late.
The subject is empathy
I just read the following article about the Trouble With Empathy
Interesting since the author discusses the educational issues surrounding teaching and participating in learning and reading associated with the issues surrounding empathy.
To me it's not an article of trouble but with it's value and accuracy.
An example from my life follows.
I have an old friend I met when our children were young and we have had many trips with adventure together. We started out with our interest in bicycling on the island of Hawaii where we and a few others packed our bikes in the hold of the plane, deplaned and rode out of the airport heading 80 to 100 miles away to spend the evening at Volcano, the Managan Inn in Captain Cook, the Kamuela Inn, and back to our starting point sometimes almost circumnavigating the island. We even took the saddle road from Hilo over to Waimea one day. We went skiing on adventures that were over my head but encouraged by my friends enthusiasm and gust for life and adventure. He persuaded me into going helicopter skiing for a week in the Bugaboo mountains of western Canada one winter where I had to jump off a cliff. One years he persuaded me, my David with his fiance, my son Joshua, and his daughter to purchase inflatable kayaks and paddle and sail with the aid of kites around the tip of Kalaupapa landing at the small airstrip from Kawili beach on Molokai. There we were taken by Hansen disease residents for beers at the only outdoor pub. He knew some of the residents and they also enjoyed him. One year with my two boys, his two children, and another couple we went with him to Calgary and biked past Lake Louise. We skied together with our children in Colorado and at Whistler in Canada. Our families are still close and I am interested in meeting his children again.
You get the idea that we shared a lot of adventure and good times. He had a zest for life. He was devoted to his parents until their death. He was a gifted writer though his stories locally published sometimes were a little embarrassing to me. In his professional life he was very successful and well liked.
He was unhappy with his marriage and finally divorced long overdo in my opinion since he was involved for many years with his current partner before the divorce. He put on weight. He used to be the most fit and strong person ready to confront any bully coming his way. He has been chronically depressed for many years. He continued exercising swimming by the ocean but developed a leg infection which quickly overcame him so he nearly died requiring intensive care and much rehabilitation. Now he is hobbled due to foot bone scarring which may be related to his tendency to run the Honolulu marathon in old sneakers for ten or more years in a row without any training. So my efforts over the last few years to get him out with me walking and socializing have been a few times with his disabilities preventing any good walking. I recall a number of occasions through the many years of our friendship where I talked with him at length about his personal life and his depression and I have continued to keep in touch attempting to have a relationship of friendship.
Some time ago (years) he sent me some post about Nancy Pelosi which was sent to him from some of his friends which was very biased and fact checking false with many biased inaccuracies. I spent some time responding with my research into the allegations and propaganda but never got a response. Recently he has been sending me more retreaded posts from others which I think are generated by right wing extremists concerning race and crime perpetrated by people of color. Black Lives Matter movement is especially a cause he now states he cannot support. I have tried with these posts and others he recently sent to me concerning racism in another country to write that racism in our country and others is active and harmful to our democracy. That Black Lives Matter movements concerning police targeting and violence towards black people needs to be addressed for our democracy to flourish in these troubled times. I have sent him information concerning the posts he sent which can be fact checked but he remains convinced otherwise.
When I have talked with him in the past I recall that he was angry and disgusted with some of the people he cared for in his profession who just in his view continued to have children, collect welfare, and live off the taxes and largess of the state. They did not listen to his advice and just were breeding many children who will continue this, in his view, dissolute lifestyle. So a few years ago we went around this subject where I attempted to share relevant facts and research regarding immigrant issues such as the micronesian in which U.S.A. had deprived them of their territory through nuclear bomb testing and then instituted redress that furthered their dependency on welfare and deprived them of their cultural heritage. I shared that their progeny do become good citizens and do not continue to have great numbers of children. Unfortunately this is a familiar dance now between us.
So now back to empathy. I still love my friend. However, I now conclude that though he has many positive qualities which I have admired he is very flawed and has a very ugly side to him that I have been trying to avoid through attempting to change his opinion. We can empathize but this process is not the whole story about the other and we often can miss true understanding of the other if we accept only our empathic understanding. We need to dig deeper. I continue to hope for change in his communications but I now conclude the "hope springs eternal" is not a healthy outlook here.
Leonard
Today I went hiking with a very nice group into Hoomaluhia Botanical Gardens since the rain storms were continuing here on Oahu. Along the way I walked with a good friend who is also a psychiatrist. I suggested that if I could interest him I wanted to persuade my troubled friend to him for counseling. He quickly disillusioned me of this idea but we discussed our own experiences with therapy while we underwent our training in psychiatry. I told him one of the very influential experiences through the years I had was raising my children. I recall telling them but if I did not I want them to know that they cured me of some of the hangups and personality issues I had preventing me from being more open and loving. They were good therapy and I think I became a better father. He was recently listening to a podcast concerning boredom. The psychologist experimenter had electric shocked the subjects with their permission at the beginning of the session. The experimenter then left the subject alone for about 30 minutes but left them with the suggestion that if they wanted they could shock themselves again. Some did out of boredom. My own reaction to this was to discuss how we humans use metaphor such as "boredom" to research and communicate with each other. Unfortunately with my troubled friend he both wants to communicate and overcome his troubles but also won't allow another such as myself have a conversation in which there is communication rather than me being there silent while he expresses his depression, revulsion, guilt, and self loathing.Maybe he's shocking himself wanting a witness.
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