October 13, 2020
July 11, 1939 is my birthday. I'm 81 years of age. My life time of living, doing, working, playing, relaxing, reading, curiosity learning, adventure, sleeping, napping, laughing, hiking, listening, talking, arguing, loving, and sharing is nearing its end. I'm, reminded of my age when I see or read in the news about the death of others younger or older while I live my days. My body wears the age well but more wounded with achilles tendon rupture of left leg requiring a hard brace for hiking, peripheral neuropathy so unsteadiness when standing and moving about requiring extra attention and hiking sticks when on the trail, prostate hypertrophy with frequent urination with hesitancy and care not to wet myself and my surroundings, sleep interruption due to this and aging, heart attacks with stents, coronary bypass, and various medications for blood pressure, blood thinner, artery health, macular degeneration with surgeries for past retinal detachments and vision acuity somewhat waning, and trips to the dermatologist for skin lesions associated with sunlight issues, so the pills and doctors visits have multiplied. Oh yes, I nearly forgot the aches and pains and problems with my posture! I have had recent emergency stays at the hospital for near death episodes with great pain and discomfort after hiking and becoming dehydrated. Since the COVID-19 epidemic social distancing has increased our isolation while health issues and the virus helped me decide to fully retire so my time with every activities has expanded with unscheduled activities. I enjoy playing the piano with classical and jazz pieces using sheet music since I have never been good at memorizing the music. I read widely and have begun writing more sometimes bothering friends and acquaintances with my opinions and observations. I go hiking with Rebecca twice per week after getting my strength back from recent cardiac issues. Telephone conversations with my children and grandchildren are satisfying. I keep in touch with my sister who is five years my senior now blind and cooped up in assisted living with various health issues. We shared knowing our parents who weathered various health issues and died in their nineties. Naps everyday are very satisfying. I look forward to shopping much less frequently for food and other things such as a recent refrigerator purchase. We have some visits with Daniel, Rebecca's son who recently helped us remove and install the refrigerator. Now again we have more frequent dinners with David, his wife Lisa, my grandaughter Katherine and her partner. My days also include exercising now with rubber bands three times per week. Golf used to be a twice per week activity now finished. My forensic psychiatric work twice per week is finished. So reading in this field is no longer required for me and writing reports and going to court is in the past.
Rebecca my love and wife retired has her routine in her art studio in our home. She attends to the garden and her art is now greeting us inside and out of the house. She and I talk frequently about all sorts of subjects as two adults interested in our different points of view often though with shared sentiments. Our interactions with friends and family interests both of us and we support each other with the various health issues we have. Unfortunately my recent health issues have come to the fore dominating some of our time together. Yet we smile, often laugh, tell silly jokes, and hug and love each other with enthusiasm. Our physical presence with each other is very nice so we like to be presentable, well groomed, and attractive for each other. Our evening is shared at the dinner table with each of us cooking though my share is less. We will play card and board games with each other competitively with smiles. We bought a larger and very good OLED TV so we watch our favorite shows and go to sleep often with me first. Then in the middle of the night I visit the computer since my frequent trips to the bathroom due to prostate issues interrupts my sleep. Here I am.
Since retiring and COVID my social interactions have diminished. Our hiking twice per week with other friends in a small group helps me talk and share. I get ideas for reading, watching TV, thinking about current issues, etc. from these and other interactions though the social isolation is preventing these nice experiences. I go through my days sometimes with a hesitancy in starting something while I sit somewhere. I've had this for some years similar to what some people with Parkinson's disease describe. So I may be sitting reading the news on my iphone then deciding to play a piano piece and the desire and thought of doing this activity has a lag while briefly hesitate to I get up and move. I don't take things for granted at time with awareness I realize that I am fortunate that I have had such loving partners in my life and have such a close family all active, happy for the most part, and independent. I know that what I see and experience now can end any moment due to death which for me ends all living like experiences. I know that I am flawed, human, with errors and selfish uncaring moments that could turn my loved ones sour on me so I would be alone but gloriously I'm secure now though not without conflict, sadness, guilt, and remorse for past and maybe present errors of living.
I'm a reflective person so writing this blog and tackling this difficult issue of being 81 years old, losing my strength, coping with chronic illnesses, and nearing my end both frightens me and interests me. Yet it does not consume me. The other day on our over six mile hike with elevation gain of over 800 feet I was in top shape, talking with friends, photographing, pushing ahead with enthusiasm. The week before with the temperature over ninety and high humidity in a steady elevation gain I was panting like a dog, stopping more often to catch my breath, drink water, take electrolyte pills, and worrying Rebecca. I have improved with physical strength with my new exercise routines so now my push ups and crunches, biceps curls, and other exercises have resulted in return of body strength since I no longer go to the gym due to virus concerns.
I read the news and think about the issues we face trying to understand our differences which has resulted in some of my blog muses. I am more intolerant of my friend's racism and I call him out on it resulting in ruptures in our relationship. I feel more strongly about these issues than I used to though I and my partners have always been liberal and progressive in our social and political views. However, Rebecca and I have realized that we must dose our exposure to the world's problems in the news or else we'll lose sight of living our daily lives with activities that sustain us.
Tired with all these, for restful death I cry (Sonnet 66)
Tired with all these, for restful death I cry,
As to behold desert a beggar born,
And needy nothing trimm'd in jollity,
And purest faith unhappily forsworn,
And gilded honour shamefully misplac'd,
And maiden virtue rudely strumpeted,
And right perfection wrongfully disgrac'd,
And strength by limping sway disabled
And art made tongue-tied by authority,
And folly—doctor-like—controlling skill,
And simple truth miscall'd simplicity,
And captive good attending captain ill:
Tir'd with all these, from these would I be gone,
Save that, to die, I leave my love alone
The twelfth-century Chinese poet, Lu Yu, offers this portrait of the old man in his poem "Written in a Carefree Mood":
Old man pushing seventy,
In truth he acts like a little boy,
Whooping with delight when he spies some mountain fruits,
Laughing with joy, tagging after village mummers;
With the others having fun stacking tiles to make a pagoda,
Standing alone staring at his image in the jardinière pool.
Tucked under his arm, a battered book to read,
Just like the time he first set out to school.
https://poets.org/text/poems-about-aging
When hiking Saturday Richard Rovin mentioned the movie Auntie Mame which he watched a number of times with his father. Rebecca recalled watching the movie with her mother many times before she died. Richard mentioned the famous quote "Life's a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death" . We watched the movie the with delight the other night.
Leonard
https://www.flickr.com/photos/leonardsjacobs/
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